I am home and on the mend. Wow a lot has happened! I feel like I was cut in half! Chris already told you what happened through his eyes, but I thought I would throw in a few more details and tell you what happened through my eyes.
We had some tough decisions to make with this pregnancy. I had already had 2 previous c-sections and I knew in my heart that I couldn't keep having c-sections. With c-sections the recovery time is a lot longer but to complicate matters worse, we found out with my second c-section that I tend to form a lot of adhesion's and scar tissue. Most doctors would tell you that as long as your uterus is thick and strong that you can have as many c-sections as you want, I have heard people have as many as 6 or 8 c-sections. But in my case when they took Will c-section they found an unusual amount of adhesion's and scar tissue. So when we decided to have our 5th child, we had some tough decisions to make. I could opt for a c-section and end up forming further adhesions combined with a lengthy recovery time. Or I could opt for a vaginal birth at home with a midwife. We wanted more children and we felt that in order to have as many children as possible it would be better if I could have a vaginal birth, and if successful I could continue having vaginal births. I knew I was limiting myself if I opted for c-sections. In my case I felt either one was risky. Have major surgery or try for vaginal birth with a scar from 2 previous c-sections? We took our concerns to the Lord and prayed a lot. After much fasting and prayer we felt confident that a home birth was the way to go. As the time drew near we felt more and more confident that I would give birth at home in a birth pool and that it would be the best birth experience yet. I really wanted a vaginal birth and Chris' main concern was me and the baby's health and safety. We got our wish... sort of.
When my water broke without any initial labor pains, I knew that happened it might not work according to plan, but I also knew my midwife would do all in her power to help us. My previous 2 c-sections had started with my water breaking followed by no labor. We tried everything from acupuncture to walking up and down the street to get labor to progress. We tried all day to get things moving. I got as far as 5 cm dilated and it came time to make a decision: either go for a repeat c-section or go to LBJ hospital and ask for a little induction medicine to finish dilating. I was having very real feeling strong contractions and I kept having the feeling that with a little help I could birth this baby vaginally. So we went to LBJ and by that time I was in full labor, my midwife had checked me before leaving and said that I was still a 5 and that my cervix was far back and during labor it moves forward, but it hadn't yet. I had a huge desire to push, so I panted and was in horrible pain the entire ride over to the hospital, unfortunately it was a about 45 minutes away. I prayed and panted the whole way. My body wanted to take over and it was like holding back a tidal wave, I kept praying I would get there without ripping my cervix.
After being admitted, I knew that if I got an epidural that my body would calm down and stop the desire to push. How right I was! I had never had an epidural before and it was truly a lifesaver in my case. As soon as the epidural kicked in I lost the desire to push and was able to rest from the long day I'd had. They checked me and I told me that I was 7 cm, so I had dilated 2 more cm on the way over! They agreed to give me just a touch of pitocin to finish dilating and have my vaginal birth. Soon they woke me up and told me it was now time to birth the baby. I thought, great, I am ready! I could feel the contractions but not much, and so with the next few contractions I pushed 3 times for each contractions and with 4 or 5 contractions he was born! He was facing the wrong way and with the epidural the doctor was able to turn him and help position everything so that I could push him out and he wouldn't get stuck like my first baby had. Our beautiful Charlie had arrived! I had avoided all the problems of the past, he was born facing the right way instead of getting stuck like Peter had, I hadn't needed a c-section like I had with Joe and Will. I had a successful VBAC! I felt so good. I asked them if I had damaged my cervix from all the time I felt the overwhelming desire to push and the doctor told me that everything looked good. I had tore a little and needed a few stitches but other than that everything seemed fine. I felt so good, I had done it! I had a VBAC and now I could birth more children the same way so that we could have a large happy family of 6 or 8 or 10 children. I felt I had seen the hand of the Lord in getting me to the hospital safely and having this miracle birth. I felt confident that next baby could be born even easier now that I had had one VBAC I could go back to the midwife and get better and better with each beautiful birth.
After they finished stitching me up they told Chris that he could order us breakfast. I told Chris what I wanted and as he was busy trying to dial and order, I began to feel funny. I felt waves of exhaustion and figured that the adrenaline from giving birth had worn off and that I must just be really tired from a long day of being in labor. The doctors came in to check me and I began to see that things weren't going so well. The doctor kept pulling out blood clots and said she felt a spot and asked another doctor to check me. At this point they weren't telling me anything I just watching figuring it was all routine and fine. Then I was told that I had ruptured my uterus and I actually said, "you got to be kidin' me!" I had gone through the entire labor process and now they say that I ruptured my uterus! It seemed like a bad dream. I was whisked off to surgery, I asked them if possible to fix the rupture so that I could continue having children. I was the scariest thing to be put on an operating table not knowing the fate of your body and your future when you wake up. The first thing I did when I woke up was ask what happened, I was given a partial hysterectomy, my heart broke.
I woke up from surgery in the worst pain of my life, the anesthesia must have worn off too soon or something because they hadn't administered any pain medicine yet. It was the worst pain of my life, forget about the horrible pain I had felt when I had the desire to push and my cervix was in the way, forget about the pain of previous natural childbirth. I felt like I had been chopped in half and put back together again. They hadn't given me any pain medicine yet! I wanted to cry put it hurt to cry, it was so miserable. The nurse walked off to get the pump going to relieve my pain, when she got back she couldn't get the pump going and had to go find another one. Shortly after they got me a little pain medicine (not enough yet to really diminish the pain), then the doctor who had done the operation showed up and had the nerve to ask me on a scale on 1 to 10, how much pain was I in? I told him 15! He insisted I use him scale from 1 to 10, so I told him a 10, and then he had the nerve to argue with me about it! He told me that 10 is the worst pain of you life and how could I be a 10. I felt like kicking him in the face! Let me chop you in half and then we'll ague about how much pain you're in! Finally after getting my pain under control, I was taken to a room to recover from surgery.
The next morning the doctor came in and said that I was on a clear liquid diet. I was so hungry! Seeing how well I was doing and how eager I was, she mentioned that if I am feeling great then she would change my diet and I could eat normally. OH! I wish I hadn't done that! I ordered breakfast at 10 and was behind schedule because I was still nibbling on breakfast when the nurses informed me that I had better order lunch before it was too late, so I ordered lunch. Then later I was still slowly eating lunch when they said the same about dinner. So I ordered dinner, never quite finishing the previous meal and trying to catch up on eating and get to feeling better so I could get back to normal activities. Bad idea! That night I felt terrible and I can't remember just exactly when I started throwing up, but I threw up a good part of the next day...
Its a bit of a blur but I remember feeling horrible throwing up more than ever in my life and then they whisked me off to perform a "procedure", for which I later found out they wouldn't tell Chris anything about and he was really frustrated and angry about that. The procedure turned out to be X-raying my insides to see why I was throwing up. The tests were inconclusive and all they told me was that my bowels were "asleep" which often happens after major surgery. In order to fix this they put a tube down my nose to my stomach and slowly pumped my stomach over a 3 day period. It was slow and excruciating. I couldn't eat or drink and my mouth was so dry and it hurt to swallow. Then after three days I begged them to take it out. A friend told me to take it really easy on food and start with liquids for a couple days and then really gentle foods. So after the tube came out I eased back into eating and was sent home.
We had some tough decisions to make with this pregnancy. I had already had 2 previous c-sections and I knew in my heart that I couldn't keep having c-sections. With c-sections the recovery time is a lot longer but to complicate matters worse, we found out with my second c-section that I tend to form a lot of adhesion's and scar tissue. Most doctors would tell you that as long as your uterus is thick and strong that you can have as many c-sections as you want, I have heard people have as many as 6 or 8 c-sections. But in my case when they took Will c-section they found an unusual amount of adhesion's and scar tissue. So when we decided to have our 5th child, we had some tough decisions to make. I could opt for a c-section and end up forming further adhesions combined with a lengthy recovery time. Or I could opt for a vaginal birth at home with a midwife. We wanted more children and we felt that in order to have as many children as possible it would be better if I could have a vaginal birth, and if successful I could continue having vaginal births. I knew I was limiting myself if I opted for c-sections. In my case I felt either one was risky. Have major surgery or try for vaginal birth with a scar from 2 previous c-sections? We took our concerns to the Lord and prayed a lot. After much fasting and prayer we felt confident that a home birth was the way to go. As the time drew near we felt more and more confident that I would give birth at home in a birth pool and that it would be the best birth experience yet. I really wanted a vaginal birth and Chris' main concern was me and the baby's health and safety. We got our wish... sort of.
When my water broke without any initial labor pains, I knew that happened it might not work according to plan, but I also knew my midwife would do all in her power to help us. My previous 2 c-sections had started with my water breaking followed by no labor. We tried everything from acupuncture to walking up and down the street to get labor to progress. We tried all day to get things moving. I got as far as 5 cm dilated and it came time to make a decision: either go for a repeat c-section or go to LBJ hospital and ask for a little induction medicine to finish dilating. I was having very real feeling strong contractions and I kept having the feeling that with a little help I could birth this baby vaginally. So we went to LBJ and by that time I was in full labor, my midwife had checked me before leaving and said that I was still a 5 and that my cervix was far back and during labor it moves forward, but it hadn't yet. I had a huge desire to push, so I panted and was in horrible pain the entire ride over to the hospital, unfortunately it was a about 45 minutes away. I prayed and panted the whole way. My body wanted to take over and it was like holding back a tidal wave, I kept praying I would get there without ripping my cervix.
After being admitted, I knew that if I got an epidural that my body would calm down and stop the desire to push. How right I was! I had never had an epidural before and it was truly a lifesaver in my case. As soon as the epidural kicked in I lost the desire to push and was able to rest from the long day I'd had. They checked me and I told me that I was 7 cm, so I had dilated 2 more cm on the way over! They agreed to give me just a touch of pitocin to finish dilating and have my vaginal birth. Soon they woke me up and told me it was now time to birth the baby. I thought, great, I am ready! I could feel the contractions but not much, and so with the next few contractions I pushed 3 times for each contractions and with 4 or 5 contractions he was born! He was facing the wrong way and with the epidural the doctor was able to turn him and help position everything so that I could push him out and he wouldn't get stuck like my first baby had. Our beautiful Charlie had arrived! I had avoided all the problems of the past, he was born facing the right way instead of getting stuck like Peter had, I hadn't needed a c-section like I had with Joe and Will. I had a successful VBAC! I felt so good. I asked them if I had damaged my cervix from all the time I felt the overwhelming desire to push and the doctor told me that everything looked good. I had tore a little and needed a few stitches but other than that everything seemed fine. I felt so good, I had done it! I had a VBAC and now I could birth more children the same way so that we could have a large happy family of 6 or 8 or 10 children. I felt I had seen the hand of the Lord in getting me to the hospital safely and having this miracle birth. I felt confident that next baby could be born even easier now that I had had one VBAC I could go back to the midwife and get better and better with each beautiful birth.
After they finished stitching me up they told Chris that he could order us breakfast. I told Chris what I wanted and as he was busy trying to dial and order, I began to feel funny. I felt waves of exhaustion and figured that the adrenaline from giving birth had worn off and that I must just be really tired from a long day of being in labor. The doctors came in to check me and I began to see that things weren't going so well. The doctor kept pulling out blood clots and said she felt a spot and asked another doctor to check me. At this point they weren't telling me anything I just watching figuring it was all routine and fine. Then I was told that I had ruptured my uterus and I actually said, "you got to be kidin' me!" I had gone through the entire labor process and now they say that I ruptured my uterus! It seemed like a bad dream. I was whisked off to surgery, I asked them if possible to fix the rupture so that I could continue having children. I was the scariest thing to be put on an operating table not knowing the fate of your body and your future when you wake up. The first thing I did when I woke up was ask what happened, I was given a partial hysterectomy, my heart broke.
I woke up from surgery in the worst pain of my life, the anesthesia must have worn off too soon or something because they hadn't administered any pain medicine yet. It was the worst pain of my life, forget about the horrible pain I had felt when I had the desire to push and my cervix was in the way, forget about the pain of previous natural childbirth. I felt like I had been chopped in half and put back together again. They hadn't given me any pain medicine yet! I wanted to cry put it hurt to cry, it was so miserable. The nurse walked off to get the pump going to relieve my pain, when she got back she couldn't get the pump going and had to go find another one. Shortly after they got me a little pain medicine (not enough yet to really diminish the pain), then the doctor who had done the operation showed up and had the nerve to ask me on a scale on 1 to 10, how much pain was I in? I told him 15! He insisted I use him scale from 1 to 10, so I told him a 10, and then he had the nerve to argue with me about it! He told me that 10 is the worst pain of you life and how could I be a 10. I felt like kicking him in the face! Let me chop you in half and then we'll ague about how much pain you're in! Finally after getting my pain under control, I was taken to a room to recover from surgery.
The next morning the doctor came in and said that I was on a clear liquid diet. I was so hungry! Seeing how well I was doing and how eager I was, she mentioned that if I am feeling great then she would change my diet and I could eat normally. OH! I wish I hadn't done that! I ordered breakfast at 10 and was behind schedule because I was still nibbling on breakfast when the nurses informed me that I had better order lunch before it was too late, so I ordered lunch. Then later I was still slowly eating lunch when they said the same about dinner. So I ordered dinner, never quite finishing the previous meal and trying to catch up on eating and get to feeling better so I could get back to normal activities. Bad idea! That night I felt terrible and I can't remember just exactly when I started throwing up, but I threw up a good part of the next day...
Its a bit of a blur but I remember feeling horrible throwing up more than ever in my life and then they whisked me off to perform a "procedure", for which I later found out they wouldn't tell Chris anything about and he was really frustrated and angry about that. The procedure turned out to be X-raying my insides to see why I was throwing up. The tests were inconclusive and all they told me was that my bowels were "asleep" which often happens after major surgery. In order to fix this they put a tube down my nose to my stomach and slowly pumped my stomach over a 3 day period. It was slow and excruciating. I couldn't eat or drink and my mouth was so dry and it hurt to swallow. Then after three days I begged them to take it out. A friend told me to take it really easy on food and start with liquids for a couple days and then really gentle foods. So after the tube came out I eased back into eating and was sent home.
Then 2 or 3 days later I got a fever and Chris took me to the ER and they found that I had a abscess. It turned out to be a fistula, my colon had a small hole, a complication from the hysterectomy surgery. I was admitted to the hospital for nearly another week. I had a 10 day stay at the first hospital and this second time I went to a closer hospital and stayed from Sat. to Fri.
All in all its been quite an ordeal but through it all I have had an overwhelming sense of peace knowing that I did the right thing. I know that I did what God wanted, I can no more deny it than I can deny that I exist. I have never known this level of peace. I always thought I would be devastated if I could no longer have babies because I love motherhood so much, but my God, my Father in Heaven knows me so well. He knows that I get passionate about things...to a fault! I get so passionate that I lose myself. In the hospital I felt like I was being released just like a missionary is released from service, I felt like I was being released from birthing and nursing children. I look at the scriptures differently now. Noah while he built a boat on dry land must have had an incredible amount of peace even as people all around him laughed and mocked him. Noah knew he was doing the Lord's will. I look at Moses and Abraham and all the scriptures stories you hear so often in church and I imagine the peace they had as they faced adversity, peace knowing they were doing the Lord's will. Some people might question, "what's so great about doing the Lord's will when I want my will?" I have learned that doing the Lord's will is a big deal. The purpose of our lives is to be tested and see if we'll follow our Father in Heaven. God our Father knows us better than we know ourselves, some may see it as a power struggle my will pinned against God's will. But if we choose to align our will with God then he can help guide us to peace and happiness. So it doesn't end up being a power struggle at all, God our Father doesn't want us to be his slaves, rather He wants to help us reach our full potential. This whole experience although difficult has helped me see things in a whole new light. I may have lost my ability to bring babies into the world but I haven't lost my ability to bring life, light and happiness into the world, my work is not done, my work has just changed a bit. My Father in Heaven will take my deepest desires and my talents and through prayer He will guide me to reach my full potential. I know God is my Father now more than ever.
All in all its been quite an ordeal but through it all I have had an overwhelming sense of peace knowing that I did the right thing. I know that I did what God wanted, I can no more deny it than I can deny that I exist. I have never known this level of peace. I always thought I would be devastated if I could no longer have babies because I love motherhood so much, but my God, my Father in Heaven knows me so well. He knows that I get passionate about things...to a fault! I get so passionate that I lose myself. In the hospital I felt like I was being released just like a missionary is released from service, I felt like I was being released from birthing and nursing children. I look at the scriptures differently now. Noah while he built a boat on dry land must have had an incredible amount of peace even as people all around him laughed and mocked him. Noah knew he was doing the Lord's will. I look at Moses and Abraham and all the scriptures stories you hear so often in church and I imagine the peace they had as they faced adversity, peace knowing they were doing the Lord's will. Some people might question, "what's so great about doing the Lord's will when I want my will?" I have learned that doing the Lord's will is a big deal. The purpose of our lives is to be tested and see if we'll follow our Father in Heaven. God our Father knows us better than we know ourselves, some may see it as a power struggle my will pinned against God's will. But if we choose to align our will with God then he can help guide us to peace and happiness. So it doesn't end up being a power struggle at all, God our Father doesn't want us to be his slaves, rather He wants to help us reach our full potential. This whole experience although difficult has helped me see things in a whole new light. I may have lost my ability to bring babies into the world but I haven't lost my ability to bring life, light and happiness into the world, my work is not done, my work has just changed a bit. My Father in Heaven will take my deepest desires and my talents and through prayer He will guide me to reach my full potential. I know God is my Father now more than ever.
5 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your strong testimony. I'm glad you're safe & recovering well, too.
Wow Jen! What a story! I'm so glad you and Charlie are safe. Take time to recover and don't over-do it. It will take quite a bit of time to get back to "normal". I've been concerned, so thanks for sharing!
I admire your outlook and strong testimony. I can't imagine how hard of an experience that must have been to go through, but it's wonderful to hear the spiritual side of it. It sure makes a difference to have the Gospel in our lives doesn't it?
Jennifer, what a beautiful and uplifting story. Thank you so much for the courage to share it. Trials and challenges are often proof of God's care for us as He waits for us to grow in our understanding of Him. It's so hard to do sometimes. So glad you and Charlie are safe.
Jennifer, thank you for sharing. What a powerful experience you have been through! God has shown you that you have incredible strength, both physically and spiritually. I am glad that you came through it with such peace.
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