Christmas

Here I am. I could sit and write a huge long remorseful rant about how I haven't wrote a thing in a seriously long time. Have I written since our home flooded? Since our children grew into teenagers? Since I started counseling? But no. Stop. I am not here to apologize. I am here to journal. I am here to embrace the good, the bad, the lazy. I am here and this is me. There are gaps in my journal and there are dirty dishes in the sink. I might get carpal tunnel typing this all out... whatever. No judgements. Just journal.

Today was Christmas. It's after 10 at night as I write this. I remember last year being really sad as night fell and then getting the kids out of bed and staying up later than normal just so I could enjoy being with them. This year I'm ok. Christmas is full of this building up to a big moment and it's a little sad when it's all over. The day is usually spent with everyone enjoying their presents--their stuff. I spent the day laying around looking at my phone at Joann's fabric store trying to find some fabric to make a blanket for Chris and I. I slept some. I felt pretty lazy.

After dinner we watched Wonder Woman 1984. As soon as the screen went black and the credits started Chris let out his disgust. What a terrible movie! But me? I can look past the unrealistic parts and the plot holes. Because the movie moved me. It got me thinking-- #1: Our desires, our wishes. The movie was about a rock/stone/thing that granted wishes. But along with the wish it would also rob you of something. I got to thinking--when I wish for something do my desires rob me of something? I wish I could have more children. If I got my wish what would I be giving up? What if our deepest desires sometimes go unfulfilled because our deepest desires would somehow rob us of something? I don't know. But I have to have faith in someone bigger and smarter than me. GOD. My Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. 

#2: There was a father/son relationship in the movie that really caused me to think. The father was trying so hard to give his son something to be proud of. He was a busy father trying to make it big. There is a scene where he hugs his son and says, 'Daddy's going to make you proud of him'. This man had spent years hunting down the wishing rock and finally got it and was able to get greater and greater power from it. Eventually everything got horribly out of control and he had to let go of all the power. In a crumbled heap, crying his son comes to him and hugs him. The father confesses that he isn't a good man but that someday he'll do something to make his son proud. The son hugs his father and says, "Daddy, you don't have to do anything to make me proud of you. I love you." When I heard that, a voice inside of me quoted a scripture-- 'come unto me as a little child'. God loves us. We don't have to do anything for him to be proud of us. He loves us. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I don't have to earn God's love. I don't have to wear myself out chasing perfection. God already loves me. If I am trying to keep the commandments so that God will love me, then I am doing it wrong. God already loves me. I don't have to win his love. I already have it. So what's next? Why be good and follow the commandments if it's not to earn God's love. I follow the commandments because I have faith and confidence that my heavenly parents are trying to teach me how to be happy. It's a maturing, growing up process. Learning how to world works. Learning that I can't just have everything I want even though it might seem like a great thing. Maybe God would have me put my talents elsewhere. Maybe asking God's advice will lead me to greater happiness then chasing after what I think sounds good.